President Barack Obama shocked birthers today by releasing his official long-form birth certificate in an attempt to silence those that believe, due to the murky circumstances surrounding his birth, that he was not a born in the United States, and therefore was an invalid presidential candidate.
While many critics must now wipe the egg from their face, we at Holy Taco are not prepared to remove those chunks of Denver omelet from our scraggly facial hair. Instead, we’re going to forge a path onward toward this egg metaphor and we will smash through the shell of lies and spill forth the yolk of truth.
We took “President” Obama’s birth certificate to our resident Holy Taco forensic scientists and had them examine every millimeter of the document. The evidence of forgery they found is pretty damning.
Their report is below, along with the long-form certificate itself.
1) Firstly, it has poorly drawn, bright red cartoon dick on it. Contrary to popular belief, most long-form birth certificates do not have poorly-drawn, bright red cartoon dicks on them.
2) President Obama claims he was born in Hawaii, yet the certificate states his place of birth is Awesometown, USA. After consulting many maps, charts and globes, we discovered that no such city exists. There is an Awesometown, Bulgaria, but it is most certainly not awesome. It’s mostly just sheep and Bulgarian weird-Os that live in shacks.
3) The hospital’s street address is 22 Acacia Avenue. 22 Acacia Avenue is an Iron Maiden song.
4) The footprints in the lower right corner are not President Obama’s baby footprints. They are the footprints of a wolf. Barack Obama is not a wolf. He’s a human.
5) Finally, the birth certificate is stamped with the official Nintendo Seal of Approval. This proves nothing. It doesn’t even prove anything when it’s stamped on Nintendo games. A vast majority of Nintendo games suck ass, and you just know no one at Nintendo has played the thing before it was shoveled on to Best Buy shelves. So, if anything, it proves that Barak Obama might actually be a Pokemon.
6) Poop smears. There are poop smears in the upper right corner. When the Illuminati forged this birth certificate, were they even trying?