Tomorrow is the 137th Kentucky Derby, an event where tiny little men beat horses with rods to make them run in a circle as women wearing silly hats use the event as an excuse to get wasted off of mint juleps.
As everyone knows, there is a long tradition of horse owners of giving their horses strange, quirky names that make them stand out from the pack, even if the horse has no chance of standing out from the pack once the race begins. The Jockey Club, an organization that pretty much rules the land when it comes to all things horse racing, is the keeper of a tome called the American Stub Book. While the book sounds like it’s loading with nothing but the finest turn-of-the-century homosexual erotica, it is actually the book that every professionally raced horse gets its name written in to. Also, every name of every horse in the book must be approved before it makes it in.
Today I conducted a bit of research in to horse names, just to get a feel for the kind of idiotic things people come up with. After a bit, I noticed a few names kept popping up that seems so ludicrously obscene that they had to be fake; names that would be more at home on the cover a porno flick. It turns out they were real, and it turns out the world of horse racing has a long history of owners naming their horses some of the foulest shit they could think up.
All of the following names are actually real. We didn’t make them up. These were all actual horse names that were registered in the Jockey Club’s American Stud Book. I now have a newly found appreciation for horse racing.
Cum Rocket
Nut Buster
No Fat Chicks
Blow Me
Girls On Top
Get It On
On Your Knees
Spank It
Go Down
Jail Bait
Alcohol Related
Lagnaf (which is German for “Let’s get naked…”)
Barely Legal
Date More Minors
Golden Shower
Pleasure Me
She Can’t Say No
Cherry Pop
Ménage Á Trois
She’s Easy
Strip Teaser
Rhythm Method
Bodacious Tatas
OHBEEGEEWHYEN
Tit’n Your Girdle
Kinky Lingerie
Hard Like a Rock
Sexual Harassment
X Rated Fantasy
Hardawn
Pussy Galore
Cunning Stunt
Nut Buster
No Fat Chicks
Blow Me
Girls On Top
Get It On
On Your Knees
Spank It
Go Down
Jail Bait
Alcohol Related
Lagnaf (which is German for “Let’s get naked…”)
Barely Legal
Date More Minors
Golden Shower
Pleasure Me
She Can’t Say No
Cherry Pop
Ménage Á Trois
She’s Easy
Strip Teaser
Rhythm Method
Bodacious Tatas
OHBEEGEEWHYEN
Tit’n Your Girdle
Kinky Lingerie
Hard Like a Rock
Sexual Harassment
X Rated Fantasy
Hardawn
Pussy Galore
Cunning Stunt